It's been quite some time since I wrote on here; I guess I wasn't ready to verbalize all the changes that have happened, which is okay. Now, I think I am......and I verbalize them not for others to read, but to simply reaffirm them myself.

I am fixated right now on moving to Victoria; all I think about is getting into the school there so I can have a quality education & renew my sense of pride and hope in what I want to become. I have been very down these past months, not really knowing why, but just knowing that I was. When I really acknowledged why I was unhappy & how moving felt so right, I came out of it.

Before, the thought of moving was "when I am done school, then I can move", and that thought really made me sad, as I knew it needed to happen sooner than later. Now, after going out to Victoria and seeing what my life could be like, the thought of staying here in Calgary is almost unbearable. I know I need to do this for no other reason that it needs to be done. Ever go through a phase in life where you seem to be pushing against the current and it just makes daily life fucking hard, to the point of exhaustion? Then, when you finally give up and let life take you where you need to go, rather than where you think* you need to go, how much easier it is?

Things have all started to fall into place for me now that I am going with the current; the potential of a new school, a possible roomie out there that I have developed a wonderful friendship with, I've already contacted the Gay students union at UVic & the Pagan Pastor that is there as well, so am opening up options for groups......and the fact that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the atmosphere there--it's just a "me" kinda place. I now really understand how my Mom feels when she says she can't wait for her house to be done and move to BD, as I feel the same way now; I can't wait to finish this semester and move to Victoria---there is just something to be said about the chance to start fresh.

And the school is sooooo amazing; it is the oldest college in Canada for TCM & Acupuncture, is non for profit, the tuition is nearly $1500 less a year, the clinic is GORGEOUS with 10 rooms, a huge pharmacy & 6 clinical supervisors all with their own area of specialty! I got to sit in on a class & really enjoyed it, and was able to talk to the admissions officer for nearly an hour about stuff (and he is actually an alumni of the program, so he knows exactly what the school entails).

Now, I am just stressed about getting in; the logical side of me says "why wouldn't you get it?"--you have good marks, you are willing to learn, are good with patients--they would be lucky to have you there. But then the side of me lacking in self confidence keeps whispering that I'm not good enough......but the logical side keeps winning, though I still feel the effects of my self doubt. Once I get the letter, I know that I will have an escape from a school that has slowly worn away at my happiness over the past couple years.......I love the program & helping people, I just hate the school, and when you can't have one without the other, it makes it really hard to stay loving something.

So, for all of you that read this post, cross your fingers for me and send out that good energy..............and thank you for understanding how important this is to me.

The weight of studies has been temporarily lifted off my shoulders for the next two weeks. I had my last exam yesterday, and despite the knots in my back (that I think have become permenant), I feel a huge relief and lessening of tension, though I have decided to write a final for one class the second week I'm back to boost my mark more (as we had the option of just taking our midterm mark, but I didn't do as good as I wanted on it).

My spiritual happiness seems to be very tied to being outside; I keenly felt the urge to go biking yesterday, and it was like as soon as I entered Fish Creek Park, I was enveloped in a womb of comfort. I ended up taking trails I've never gone down before, got lost, startled a pheasant (anyone know what they mean in animal totems?), got totally muddy (legs, arms, face, shirt, shorts---it was great), and was proud of how much I could do after a winter of being pretty sedintary.

Not alot has occured since I last wrote in here, other than a desperate desire to focus on my schoolwork...it's really starting to come down to crunch time now...I write my first of three licensing exams this fall, and have one for the next two years to do before I officially become Dr........as well as some changes in my last year of schooling which will possibly extend it 6 months, but in the long run, my class and I have decided it's probably for the best....... but I'm not worrying about that now.....now the only cause for worry is if I run out of reading material:P

It's funny, I am usually asleep by now, but for some reason feel the need to write for a bit; it's not that I have anything remotely interesting to share, but regardless of that fact, perhaps I need a good ramble.

Spring is making me happier and happier, despite it being a rather crap week all told. From being screamed at by a crazy driver to pretty much being told I have to ask permission to take a piss when I'm at school, one would think that I'd be crabby, and I have had my share of crabby moments, but there is something about knowing that it is FINALLY spring that makes me happy, as if it's time to start fresh and forget the grayness & depressions of Winter. It feels like Danu is fully concious now and a bit demanding, but I guess that's to be expected after being asleep for several months time. I like the fact I feel a possessivness from Her, and it's like I get the feeling that all my energy should be directed at Her right now, despite having a life outside of spirituality. But it's all good; I'm happy She is around and She seems happy with that fact that She's awake again.

Nothing super intense has happened, but that's okay too; I am so very looking foward to my spring break though. I took the entire time off of work as well, just so I could be intensly lazy if I so choose and live in my pajamas for the entire two weeks. I just have to get through the finals and papers first.....then rest........man, that is so exciting to me.......to just rest........;)

Dirtiness and sad....

So, a few of you know about a fellow that I had recently fallen for *S.......a totally rugged and handsome cowboy type that swept me off my feet. Well, we ended up sleeping together for the first time last night, and as soon as it was done, he got up, had a shower and then wouldn't hardly speak with me, look at me or touch me (despite us sitting on the couch for over an hour afterwards--he wouldn't even look me in the eye--all I got from him was he wanted me to leave). I was exceedingly hurt & heartbroken, as I don't do that with just anyone; they have to be really special to me.

I have felt dirty and used all day and have wanted to do nothing but curl up and be by myself......how horrible it feels to be used and then discarded for sex.

And Danu awakens........

I went for a lovely walk today down in Fish Creek Park; everything is melting and mucky, but it was so nice to be outside in the sunshine, just "being".

I have a spot near the creek that I like to go and sit at from time to time, and despite having intended to go to my stone circle, felt compelled to go there instead. It was glorious to just sit on this old log and listen to the creek rush by me....all dark and muddy with the spring run off. For some reason I felt the urge to sing, and it was like the very air around me resonated with it; the wind picked up, and within minutes I was surrounded with 7 or 8 Chickadees, 5 of whom decided to land on my hand when I held it out. In that instant, I knew I was reconnecting with an Awakening Danu, for whenever I see little birds, I think of Her, and when I sit by the creek, I am beside Her. It was beautiful--tranquility incarnate:)

And then there is the fact I have a date with a nice young gentleman tonight too that makes the day seem a little sunnier...........;)

Sunny Days & dreams

Man, what a difference it makes to wake up to sunshine...FINALLY we've had some, and it just so makes a difference for me...as much as I am drawn to the moon, there is something about the sun that just makes me happy!

I feel spring in the air, and the stirrings of Danu....it was like I woke up the other day and could just sense a difference:) It makes me so happy to feel it again.

I had a very strong dream the other night as well. As I was falling asleep, it was like I was suddenly in a different place & time---a camp of some sorts, with a fire in the centre & it was almost full dark; I could see trees around us too. I was human, and everyone around me was an elf, and I was being criticized by this female that I could never be an "avatar of Danu"....well, all of a sudden, I felt like I was being lifted off the earth (and almost saw myself from anothers point of view yet I was still inside my body--it was weird--like seeing flashes of yourself). I remember seeing my eyes open and instead of the norm, it was like my eyes were leaves made of energy. I had all this brilliant green energy swirlling around me too as I floated in mid-air. And then this voice came from me, like 3 or 4 people talking at once, all in harmony--several male & several female. I remember the voice saying "how dare you criticize my choice" and "I am Danu and will choose whom I see fit".......Then I was laying on the ground and this male elf was helping me stand...I woke up after that.....perhaps that was my subconcious way of asking if I was fit for this role, and Danu reaffirming that I was?? I haven't sorted through it all yet.

Blah Day

I am amazed at how much the weather can affect how a person feels.

Now, I know all about S.A.D., and how ones thiamine doesn't get turned into Vitamin D from the reaction of the solar radiation etc etc, but it still amazes me at how the difference between waking up to sunlight versus waking up to overcast skies could create such a difference for someone (ie Me).

Perhaps this is a sign that I am meant to live in warmer climes where there are 300 days of sunshine a year, or something of that nature..........and now that my pity party is done, I can get onto more "spiritual topics".....

Have you ever been drawn to "the dark side" of spirituality? I'm not talking about sacrificing animals or harming others maliciously, but the darker aspects of what we can do as practitioners of Paganism?

I watched the Skeleton Key today with Kate Hudson. I have to say, all that Hollywood-ized conception of Voodoo and the Hoodoun religion (and I by no means mean to infer that they are dark at all, it was just how it was portrayed in the movie), really piqued my curiosity, and got the old ticker pumping.

It really brought back to me a message that was given to the Hearth by Cerridwen..."one cannot know the light unless one knows the dark as well"......this seems to be a recurring theme for me as of late, with discovering Llyr, etc, and perhaps it is finally starting to sink in that I need to look into this more. But, to be honest, I'm at a loss as to how to do this.

I'm not about to start looking into alternate groups to practice with, as Sunlit is where I am meant to be, but I don't know, I get the feeling that I have to understand this if I am ever truly going to be a Priest of Danu, in anything other than title. And is this me simply justifying my innate curiosity, or is this really what She wants?

Sometimes, I really really wish I knew someone else that had Danu as a patron; it would be really nice to know someone that walks the same path as I do & could help guide me when I needed it (not to say that the other members of my Hearth could not help me, it's just this seems like it needs someone of like-faith, if that makes any sense). I've tried contacting this Inverian Church of Danu, but *suprise suprise* got no response from them......and I haven't found a single other group that sees Danu as I do...........

*laughs* No one said my path would be easy, or not filled with little ruts that can make a person stumble, but I think it would be nice to have someone that at least was able to lend me a map from time to time............

Danu Picture

I just found this going through the website to one of my favorite artists, Stephanie Pui-Mun. To see more of her work, go to: http://shadowscapes.com/main.shtml

This is from her selection of Tarot Cards, but there was just something about it that called to me regarding Danu:)

Triquetra

I had another bath tonight and did a bit of meditating in it. I felt the need to work with Angus tonight, which was really nice. Not suprisingly I focused on finding someone and got the coolest image just as I was opening my eyes--that of a triquetra on a chain around someones neck, against his chest.....so, makes me wonder if "he" will have a small silver triquestra:):)

This morning.....

I just got home from Anna's house about 20 minutes ago after spending the night for her son's 10th birthday--what a lovely way to spend a saturday!

I feel very balanced at the moment; it was like in finding Llyr, that another piece of life's puzzle just kinda fell into place. I had an amazing meditation with him the other night actually.

I'd been getting some anxiety over school and the like, and normally when I do, I try to envelope myself in a ball of light. Well, this time, I was in the ocean, and being attacked by sharks (not that I think they're bad, it's just I was kinda scared of them as a kid), and instead of surrounding myself with light (which just seemed to attract them), I tried enveloping myself in this warm darkness, which seems to be a manifestation of Llyr's energy. It worked amazingly well...the sharks just passed right by me:) I also got a two word message from him as well; "no fear"..........I've begun using this as a sort of mantra to help over the past little bit and it's worked very very well.

I really feel like he is the perfect counterbalance to Danu; he is a Father to her Mother, he is water to her earth (which are my two elements), he has an underworld aspect to her life aspect.........so so neat!

Thank goodness for friends & their insights.....

As of late, I have to admit that I've been feeling rather disconnected with Danu, and it was bothering me a great deal; not in the sense that I feel I am not meant for Her, but that the connection is different.

As I mentioned earlier ~S is the one that clued me in on the fact of why this was happening; Danu is basically the earth, and as the earth is asleep, so is She, hence the feelings of phoning & always getting the answering machine (spiritually speaking).

Well, I was talking with *A this afternoon, going over some things that have been bothering me emotionally; the fact my grandmother is dying, being a bit lonely as I've had the house to myself for almost a week & am used to having someone else here, and my spiritual "blah-ness". Well, *A put it really nicely when she mentioned that as a Priest of Danu, I am going to have to live with this "down time" for the rest of my life (and that it's not just something becasue I'm dedicated to Danu, as she gets it with her patron as well, just at different times of the year), and I need to understand why & how to work with it, instead of letting it get me down. Perhaps this is the time for me to allow the other two energies in my life to come to the forefront--work with Angus & what he represents, and Llyr & his powers, as they are important facets in my spiritual self--they, along with Danu, help make me, "me".

And it's not a bad thing either, and I'm not being disloyal to Danu by working with these other beings. Perhaps in helping me find them, this is Her way of helping me through her "hibernation", now and in the years to come.

I already feel a difference when it comes to Her energy, and I know once Spring hits, it'll be all good. I guess it was like I was always able to tap into Her whenever I needed to, and there was a Conscious Awareness that responded....right now, that Awareness is slumbering, but the other two are there and ready to help me in whatever I need.

I feel so lucky to have a Goddess like Danu--she really makes me feel amazing; especially when one of Her messages gets through my thick head............

Dream last night

I had a dream last night that involved breaking down a dam that had been built by beavers; I think it was important to me to allow the river to flow once more. I'd kinda forgotten about it until I did my meditation, and thought it would be worthy of mentioning.

Quickly checked to see what the beaver stood for, and not suprisingly, it has to do with building, etc. My father was also in the dream and was helping me break it down.

Now, to me, I think it stands for breaking down some unconcious barriers that have been holding back the water & that it has something to do with my father.......any thoughts?

I sense perhaps a Danu connection (with the river symbolism), and that something has been holding it back.....myself perhaps? I'm just not sure yet......

I think I found the 3rd to my Trinity.....

I had a kind of vision today while having a bath ( I do tend to get a fair number of them whilst meditating in the bathtub).

I have been on a journey as of late to find the 3rd piece to a Trinity of Gods that will help guide me throughout my Spiritual journey. The first and foremost is Danu, the goddess that holds my heart. The second is Angus, irish god of love and joy. For awhile I have been able to feel them keenly in my life; when I close my eyes I see Danu holding my left hand, and Angus holding my right one, and infront of me, I see a third figure, a male, that, up until now, has remained hidden to me, holding each of the other gods hands.

I was told ~A that a trinity would help me, and to hold that close. ~S told me that the third deity would be old, very old, with little known about him/her (though I have felt always it was a male), and that he would be dark, compared to Danu's light--the balance;not evil, just different.

Anyways, I lay in the bathtub with my eyes closed, and infront of me, where the third unknown diety always is, I see blue eyes--deep deep piercing blue. I hear "I am the father of Bran, and I am old, was old when he was born". I then saw a figure in a white robe with a white raven flying past him. I decided to do a little research, and this is what I found:

"Llyr: Welsh god of the sea. Llyr was Welsh equivalent of Lir, old Irish god of the sea. Llyr was also the god of magic and healing.

Llyr married to Penarddun, daughtet of Beli son of Mynogan, who was ruler of Britain. Llyr was the father of Bran, Manawyddan, and a daughter named Branwen. Llyr was the father of tribal deities known as the Children of Darkness, as opposed to the goddess Don and her Children of Light.

The story of Llyr's children can be found in the second and third Branches of the Mabinogi, called Branwen Daughter of Llyr and Manawyddan Son of Llyr."

http://www.timelessmyths.com/celtic/welsh.html#Llyr

FYI, Don is the welsh equivalent of Danu*

I do believe I may be onto something with this..............you were right ~S, all I needed was a little patience;)

My Goddess

I thought perhaps I should write a little and describe how I see Danu. There is little truly known about Her, so all I have really learned, I have done so through what She has taught me.

Danu is the Creation Deity in Irish Myth...She is from whom all came, and as a result, carries a myriad of responsiblities. She is a Mother, a Protector, savage and primal, yet gentle to those She sees as Hers. Her domain is that of life; the growing of the trees are Her, the flowing brook is Her, the birds darting through the sky are Her. She is everywhere and within everyone.

She is a Goddess of Magic, nature, rivers, marriage, Wisdom & Inspiration, the Moon, wells, and protection, among others. She is ruler of the Fey, and the Tuatha De Danaan are her children. She is the ultimate Mother figure, and embodies all that it is to be when claiming that role in life. She is love, She is fury, She simply "is".

When I see Her within my minds eye, she is flawless. Her hair is so pale a blonde it is almost silver, her skin the colour of pearl tinged with green. She wears a flowing white dress, and all is pale and ethereal about Her except for her eyes, which go from a piercing green to violet to indigo.

She is totally dignified, and rules as a Queen over her subjects, but with a kindness and light in her eyes that tells you of her ultimate love.

When I found Danu, I found my home, and to all that know me, that is something that I have looked for, for a long long time.

Today is a fresh day..........

I have come to terms with alot of various things in my life, and the balancing act that has been necessary to maintain them all.

Despite the fact that my Goddess slumbers, I feel the need to begin writing about my experiences so far, and thus, following in the footsteps of many of my friends, have started a Blog. This site will be dedicated to the insights that I glean from everyday experiences, be they small or large, and be kept as a record, so I may see how far down Danu's Path I shall travel...............

May the journey begin....................