It's been quite some time since I wrote on here; I guess I wasn't ready to verbalize all the changes that have happened, which is okay. Now, I think I am......and I verbalize them not for others to read, but to simply reaffirm them myself.

I am fixated right now on moving to Victoria; all I think about is getting into the school there so I can have a quality education & renew my sense of pride and hope in what I want to become. I have been very down these past months, not really knowing why, but just knowing that I was. When I really acknowledged why I was unhappy & how moving felt so right, I came out of it.

Before, the thought of moving was "when I am done school, then I can move", and that thought really made me sad, as I knew it needed to happen sooner than later. Now, after going out to Victoria and seeing what my life could be like, the thought of staying here in Calgary is almost unbearable. I know I need to do this for no other reason that it needs to be done. Ever go through a phase in life where you seem to be pushing against the current and it just makes daily life fucking hard, to the point of exhaustion? Then, when you finally give up and let life take you where you need to go, rather than where you think* you need to go, how much easier it is?

Things have all started to fall into place for me now that I am going with the current; the potential of a new school, a possible roomie out there that I have developed a wonderful friendship with, I've already contacted the Gay students union at UVic & the Pagan Pastor that is there as well, so am opening up options for groups......and the fact that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the atmosphere there--it's just a "me" kinda place. I now really understand how my Mom feels when she says she can't wait for her house to be done and move to BD, as I feel the same way now; I can't wait to finish this semester and move to Victoria---there is just something to be said about the chance to start fresh.

And the school is sooooo amazing; it is the oldest college in Canada for TCM & Acupuncture, is non for profit, the tuition is nearly $1500 less a year, the clinic is GORGEOUS with 10 rooms, a huge pharmacy & 6 clinical supervisors all with their own area of specialty! I got to sit in on a class & really enjoyed it, and was able to talk to the admissions officer for nearly an hour about stuff (and he is actually an alumni of the program, so he knows exactly what the school entails).

Now, I am just stressed about getting in; the logical side of me says "why wouldn't you get it?"--you have good marks, you are willing to learn, are good with patients--they would be lucky to have you there. But then the side of me lacking in self confidence keeps whispering that I'm not good enough......but the logical side keeps winning, though I still feel the effects of my self doubt. Once I get the letter, I know that I will have an escape from a school that has slowly worn away at my happiness over the past couple years.......I love the program & helping people, I just hate the school, and when you can't have one without the other, it makes it really hard to stay loving something.

So, for all of you that read this post, cross your fingers for me and send out that good energy..............and thank you for understanding how important this is to me.