It's been quite some time since I wrote on here; I guess I wasn't ready to verbalize all the changes that have happened, which is okay. Now, I think I am......and I verbalize them not for others to read, but to simply reaffirm them myself.

I am fixated right now on moving to Victoria; all I think about is getting into the school there so I can have a quality education & renew my sense of pride and hope in what I want to become. I have been very down these past months, not really knowing why, but just knowing that I was. When I really acknowledged why I was unhappy & how moving felt so right, I came out of it.

Before, the thought of moving was "when I am done school, then I can move", and that thought really made me sad, as I knew it needed to happen sooner than later. Now, after going out to Victoria and seeing what my life could be like, the thought of staying here in Calgary is almost unbearable. I know I need to do this for no other reason that it needs to be done. Ever go through a phase in life where you seem to be pushing against the current and it just makes daily life fucking hard, to the point of exhaustion? Then, when you finally give up and let life take you where you need to go, rather than where you think* you need to go, how much easier it is?

Things have all started to fall into place for me now that I am going with the current; the potential of a new school, a possible roomie out there that I have developed a wonderful friendship with, I've already contacted the Gay students union at UVic & the Pagan Pastor that is there as well, so am opening up options for groups......and the fact that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the atmosphere there--it's just a "me" kinda place. I now really understand how my Mom feels when she says she can't wait for her house to be done and move to BD, as I feel the same way now; I can't wait to finish this semester and move to Victoria---there is just something to be said about the chance to start fresh.

And the school is sooooo amazing; it is the oldest college in Canada for TCM & Acupuncture, is non for profit, the tuition is nearly $1500 less a year, the clinic is GORGEOUS with 10 rooms, a huge pharmacy & 6 clinical supervisors all with their own area of specialty! I got to sit in on a class & really enjoyed it, and was able to talk to the admissions officer for nearly an hour about stuff (and he is actually an alumni of the program, so he knows exactly what the school entails).

Now, I am just stressed about getting in; the logical side of me says "why wouldn't you get it?"--you have good marks, you are willing to learn, are good with patients--they would be lucky to have you there. But then the side of me lacking in self confidence keeps whispering that I'm not good enough......but the logical side keeps winning, though I still feel the effects of my self doubt. Once I get the letter, I know that I will have an escape from a school that has slowly worn away at my happiness over the past couple years.......I love the program & helping people, I just hate the school, and when you can't have one without the other, it makes it really hard to stay loving something.

So, for all of you that read this post, cross your fingers for me and send out that good energy..............and thank you for understanding how important this is to me.

The weight of studies has been temporarily lifted off my shoulders for the next two weeks. I had my last exam yesterday, and despite the knots in my back (that I think have become permenant), I feel a huge relief and lessening of tension, though I have decided to write a final for one class the second week I'm back to boost my mark more (as we had the option of just taking our midterm mark, but I didn't do as good as I wanted on it).

My spiritual happiness seems to be very tied to being outside; I keenly felt the urge to go biking yesterday, and it was like as soon as I entered Fish Creek Park, I was enveloped in a womb of comfort. I ended up taking trails I've never gone down before, got lost, startled a pheasant (anyone know what they mean in animal totems?), got totally muddy (legs, arms, face, shirt, shorts---it was great), and was proud of how much I could do after a winter of being pretty sedintary.

Not alot has occured since I last wrote in here, other than a desperate desire to focus on my schoolwork...it's really starting to come down to crunch time now...I write my first of three licensing exams this fall, and have one for the next two years to do before I officially become Dr........as well as some changes in my last year of schooling which will possibly extend it 6 months, but in the long run, my class and I have decided it's probably for the best....... but I'm not worrying about that now.....now the only cause for worry is if I run out of reading material:P

It's funny, I am usually asleep by now, but for some reason feel the need to write for a bit; it's not that I have anything remotely interesting to share, but regardless of that fact, perhaps I need a good ramble.

Spring is making me happier and happier, despite it being a rather crap week all told. From being screamed at by a crazy driver to pretty much being told I have to ask permission to take a piss when I'm at school, one would think that I'd be crabby, and I have had my share of crabby moments, but there is something about knowing that it is FINALLY spring that makes me happy, as if it's time to start fresh and forget the grayness & depressions of Winter. It feels like Danu is fully concious now and a bit demanding, but I guess that's to be expected after being asleep for several months time. I like the fact I feel a possessivness from Her, and it's like I get the feeling that all my energy should be directed at Her right now, despite having a life outside of spirituality. But it's all good; I'm happy She is around and She seems happy with that fact that She's awake again.

Nothing super intense has happened, but that's okay too; I am so very looking foward to my spring break though. I took the entire time off of work as well, just so I could be intensly lazy if I so choose and live in my pajamas for the entire two weeks. I just have to get through the finals and papers first.....then rest........man, that is so exciting to me.......to just rest........;)

Dirtiness and sad....

So, a few of you know about a fellow that I had recently fallen for *S.......a totally rugged and handsome cowboy type that swept me off my feet. Well, we ended up sleeping together for the first time last night, and as soon as it was done, he got up, had a shower and then wouldn't hardly speak with me, look at me or touch me (despite us sitting on the couch for over an hour afterwards--he wouldn't even look me in the eye--all I got from him was he wanted me to leave). I was exceedingly hurt & heartbroken, as I don't do that with just anyone; they have to be really special to me.

I have felt dirty and used all day and have wanted to do nothing but curl up and be by myself......how horrible it feels to be used and then discarded for sex.

And Danu awakens........

I went for a lovely walk today down in Fish Creek Park; everything is melting and mucky, but it was so nice to be outside in the sunshine, just "being".

I have a spot near the creek that I like to go and sit at from time to time, and despite having intended to go to my stone circle, felt compelled to go there instead. It was glorious to just sit on this old log and listen to the creek rush by me....all dark and muddy with the spring run off. For some reason I felt the urge to sing, and it was like the very air around me resonated with it; the wind picked up, and within minutes I was surrounded with 7 or 8 Chickadees, 5 of whom decided to land on my hand when I held it out. In that instant, I knew I was reconnecting with an Awakening Danu, for whenever I see little birds, I think of Her, and when I sit by the creek, I am beside Her. It was beautiful--tranquility incarnate:)

And then there is the fact I have a date with a nice young gentleman tonight too that makes the day seem a little sunnier...........;)

Sunny Days & dreams

Man, what a difference it makes to wake up to sunshine...FINALLY we've had some, and it just so makes a difference for me...as much as I am drawn to the moon, there is something about the sun that just makes me happy!

I feel spring in the air, and the stirrings of Danu....it was like I woke up the other day and could just sense a difference:) It makes me so happy to feel it again.

I had a very strong dream the other night as well. As I was falling asleep, it was like I was suddenly in a different place & time---a camp of some sorts, with a fire in the centre & it was almost full dark; I could see trees around us too. I was human, and everyone around me was an elf, and I was being criticized by this female that I could never be an "avatar of Danu"....well, all of a sudden, I felt like I was being lifted off the earth (and almost saw myself from anothers point of view yet I was still inside my body--it was weird--like seeing flashes of yourself). I remember seeing my eyes open and instead of the norm, it was like my eyes were leaves made of energy. I had all this brilliant green energy swirlling around me too as I floated in mid-air. And then this voice came from me, like 3 or 4 people talking at once, all in harmony--several male & several female. I remember the voice saying "how dare you criticize my choice" and "I am Danu and will choose whom I see fit".......Then I was laying on the ground and this male elf was helping me stand...I woke up after that.....perhaps that was my subconcious way of asking if I was fit for this role, and Danu reaffirming that I was?? I haven't sorted through it all yet.

Blah Day

I am amazed at how much the weather can affect how a person feels.

Now, I know all about S.A.D., and how ones thiamine doesn't get turned into Vitamin D from the reaction of the solar radiation etc etc, but it still amazes me at how the difference between waking up to sunlight versus waking up to overcast skies could create such a difference for someone (ie Me).

Perhaps this is a sign that I am meant to live in warmer climes where there are 300 days of sunshine a year, or something of that nature..........and now that my pity party is done, I can get onto more "spiritual topics".....

Have you ever been drawn to "the dark side" of spirituality? I'm not talking about sacrificing animals or harming others maliciously, but the darker aspects of what we can do as practitioners of Paganism?

I watched the Skeleton Key today with Kate Hudson. I have to say, all that Hollywood-ized conception of Voodoo and the Hoodoun religion (and I by no means mean to infer that they are dark at all, it was just how it was portrayed in the movie), really piqued my curiosity, and got the old ticker pumping.

It really brought back to me a message that was given to the Hearth by Cerridwen..."one cannot know the light unless one knows the dark as well"......this seems to be a recurring theme for me as of late, with discovering Llyr, etc, and perhaps it is finally starting to sink in that I need to look into this more. But, to be honest, I'm at a loss as to how to do this.

I'm not about to start looking into alternate groups to practice with, as Sunlit is where I am meant to be, but I don't know, I get the feeling that I have to understand this if I am ever truly going to be a Priest of Danu, in anything other than title. And is this me simply justifying my innate curiosity, or is this really what She wants?

Sometimes, I really really wish I knew someone else that had Danu as a patron; it would be really nice to know someone that walks the same path as I do & could help guide me when I needed it (not to say that the other members of my Hearth could not help me, it's just this seems like it needs someone of like-faith, if that makes any sense). I've tried contacting this Inverian Church of Danu, but *suprise suprise* got no response from them......and I haven't found a single other group that sees Danu as I do...........

*laughs* No one said my path would be easy, or not filled with little ruts that can make a person stumble, but I think it would be nice to have someone that at least was able to lend me a map from time to time............